Can a Strictly Casual Sexual Relationship Last?

By Dean Cortez, creator of the Mack Tactics Dating System For Men

Dear Dean,

You have some great advice about how to meet girls .Well, about a month ago I met a girl at a club, we hit it off, and wound up back at my place. The sex was off the hook. I was interested in dating her, but she said she wanted to keep it casual. Since then, she’s thrown me a few late-night “booty calls” when she’s out at the clubs with her girlfriends. I meet her at her house, we both get off…and then she asks me to leave. I used to dream about having a hot girl I could have sex with, no strings attached, but now I’m falling for the girl and don’t know if I can keep up this arrangement. Should I just enjoy this “relationship” for what it is?   

Robert, Las Vegas   

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This reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend Amanda recently. “Friends with benefits is the way to go,” she declared inbetween sips of her martini. “I’ve got this hot guy friend named James. I met him on an Internet dating site, we hooked up, and we’ve been each other’s ‘booty call’ ever since. If one of us is out at the bar and winds up horny and alone at the end of the night, we call the other person and meet up for sex. No drama, no questions, just great orgasms. I don’t even know his last name, and I prefer not to.”

The way Amanda explained it, it sounded so sensible and utilitarian: headboard-banging sex with none of the drama or expectations that come with a serious relationship. But I knew it was only a matter of time before her perfect arrangement imploded, and within two weeks, it did.

James blew off one of her 2am booty calls because he was able to get a hot girl at a club, and suddenly she felt like the second banana: how come the other girl gets dinner and a movie, and she’s only good for drunken romps after last call for alcohol?     

The fact is, no matter how cool and casual you both try to be about a “friends with benefits” arrangement, emotions creep into any sexual relationship. It’s natural and inevitable. Since you’re not technically dating each other, you’re free to see other people—but when one of you starts seeing someone else, that’s when jealously rears its ugly head.

In the end, no one likes to feel like “Option B”—the person we drunkenly dial when we’re unable to score a more attractive option.

Still, it seems a growing number of young singles are opting for casual sexual relationships. Finding a suitable partner isn’t as difficult as it once was. A few decades ago, a single woman would rather hide out in a darkened apartment on Saturday night than let her neighbors know she didn't have a steady.

These days, she can post her picture on AdultFriendFinder.com or Craigslist.com to find a sex partner for the night (and you’d be surprised how many women do). Then again, if you’re an attractive member of either gender, the Vegas nightlife scene provide endless options—including a ton of out-of-towners who are up for a weekend fling. 

But when the sex extends beyond one night, few of us are immune to feelings of jealousy and confusion about “where things are heading.” As Richard’s letter illustrates, while many single guys say they’d prefer to have casual sex with various women rather than commit to one, they succumb to these emotions just as easily as women do. They just do a better job of concealing it.

My advice? If you’ve got a “booty call” arrangement with someone, enjoy it while it lasts—but don’t expect it to last long. And if you want it to remain casual, don’t spend the night together. Do the deed, and if you’re at the other person’s place, head home afterwards. Sleeping over encourages cuddling, post-sex talk, and uncomfortable morning-after questions. (On the show “Seinfeld,” Jerry and Elaine had a set of rules: no sleepovers and no next-day phone calls.)

A final word to the guys: you’ve got to know how to please your woman in bed if you hope to develop a friends-with-benefits arrangement. “I don’t bother with booty calls or one-night stands anymore,” says Jessica, a 26-year-old veterinarian. It sounds like a hot idea, but usually the sex is over in two minutes and the guy passes out. And don’t even get me started on the time that drunk guy had an ‘accident’ in my bed…”

Perhaps Mike, 33, says it best: “I’ve tried the ‘buddy system” with chicks. For a few weeks, or maybe a month, it’s cool—but in the end, someone always winds up getting hurt.”